The Imperfect Sacrifice and You Already Have

Side Note: 77 more days until she will be home!!!

June 23, 2014

After nine whole months, I couldn´t believe how hard it was to pack my bags and prepare to board a plane once again. Getting changed off the island was SO unexpected! I also couldn´t believe how broken-hearted  the members were. The thing about Peruvians is they just LOVE to give. Every time I went to a house to say goodbye, a member went back behind their house to find something to give me. Earrings, half used perfumes, Christmas stockings, sunscreen, and just whatever they had. My heart melted. I love these people.  Saying goodbye to my converts was even harder, but I have so much faith that I will see them again.

I was also surprised at how hard it was to say goodbye to my Zone, especially my Zone Leaders.  After everything I went through with them and how we suddenly changed from something of rivals to the best of friends, I was scared to go to a new zone. I was scared to have to open up to new Zone Leaders and explain all of my problems. When I said goodbye to them, we were in a restaurant and I broke down probably harder than ever. I was crying so much that a waiter asked me if a loved one had died. So funny.

I took a lot of courage, though, from the blessing they gave me before I left. They said that when I was out of energy, the Atonement would be my motor to keep me going. What I most loved were the last words “When your health fails you and you feel that you can’t do it anymore, take courage and know that you can, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE.” I have had to repeat those words to myself every single day as opening an area and training yet again have been hard, but things are great.

On the plane to Pucallpa, I knew that I could be happy and not look back if I could just be sure that the Lord was pleased with my work there. So, I decided to ask him, just as I did in the plane leaving Tarapoto.  This time, with a lot more experience in the mission, I realized that maybe the Lord could never be 100 percent pleased because my work would never be 100 percent perfect, but I knew that I had sacrificed and given the best I could.

My humble question was simply this: “Lord, will you please accept my imperfect sacrifice of the nine months I worked in Iquitos?  I know it is not perfect, but it was the best I could do, it really was.”  I felt at peace and I know that the Lord accepted my Imperfect Sacrifice, my Imperfect Number of Baptisms, and the changes I made in my oh, so imperfect self.

So, I am training “daughter” number seven. Guess what? Another Mexican!  Hermana Vega was raised in Mexico, but has been living in California for the last few years.  Things are going great. I thought my health was 100 percent, but, guess what? I fell. Yet again. At least this time it wasn’t in a sewer!!  The Mission Doctor said that walking during a Panic Attack probably isn’t a good idea…point proven once again.

 It’s always hard to have a companion because I always put off the whole admitting that I am crazy part. (Oops!!! I take it back. The last thing that my old Zone Leaders made me promise is that I would stop referring to my sickness as “craziness”). Even harder will be when I have to admit it to my new leaders! Oh well, for now everyone just thinks I fall a lot, some day I will grow up and explain why.

This week, the mission doctor that calls me every week explained that the depression that I am feeling is a normal part of anxiety. So, hypoglycemia leads to anxiety, and anxiety leads to depression. Gee, Phillips Family, thanks a lot! But really, things are getting better. All things aside, it has been a great week!

I am starting to like my new Zone a lot. Remember Elder Turley? He was with me in my Branch when I started out, then in the same stake in Iquitos, and now we came here together to Pucallpa until we go home in September.  He and his companion eat dinner with us every night, so that has been a lot of fun!

My companion is great, she thinks that I am a “warrior.” I kind of feel like one sometimes! A brace on one knee, a recent gash on the other, and a thousand things hidden inside, but somehow I am still one of the happiest people on the planet. Training again, opening an area again, and teaching this Gospel, which is the very “Motor” that keeps me going. I love teaching. I love it so much. This is the best mission in the whole world!!!!

Have a great week! Love you all!

Hermana Simonson

Womanhood and Such

June 16, 2014

Hermana Dickey called me this week laughing and told me that she had been with the Zone Leaders and they were talking about me and, I don't know how, but they somehow got to the point that the Zone Leaders said, "Something is happening with her. She used to be the sporty one, but she is turning into such a woman right now!"  

It made me think on lessons I have learned and ways I have changed. I don't know if these
things have made me more of a woman, but maybe, just maybe ;).

Love: I couldn´t help but ask myself why I was crying. This didn't affect me personally. But, as I sat with a family that I loved as the mother was laying sick in her hay bed and the whole family was expecting the early return of their missionary daughter who has been
very sick, I couldn’t help but think “That was almost me. I almost came home as well.” When I really put myself in their position I was filled with love and pain. I realized that, for my whole life, I have very, very rarely cried for the plight of someone else, because I have
never tried to feel what they feel. But, this moment changed it all. I learned the importance of loving others and mourning with those that mourn.

Obedience is greater than Sacrifice: With the trainings that I had to give about obedience, I remember learning that obedience is greater than sacrifice. I realize how sad it is that sometimes as missionaries, we are willing to sacrifice studies and money and our families, but we are not willing to wake up on time or to study or to make all of our contacts each week. More important than giving all the sacrifices we already gave is being obedient to what the Lord asks and offering a broken heart and contrite Spirit.

Be Thankful: Because, honestly, it really COULD be worse. And don’t doubt it, or God will show you that it can.

Take down the walls: Last Monday, we were enjoying a normal P-Day and as a few of us sat there talking, one of my Zone Leaders randomly just started saying how he thinks that the reason that I laugh so much is because I am trying to protect myself and make people think that I am okay when I am really not. Woah. That was deep! And honestly, I couldn’t deny it. I really have programmed myself that way. Later, we were all on a bus and I wasn’t feeling so great and I kind of fainted/slept on the chair in front of me. A few people next to me called my name and I didn’t respond. Next thing I knew, that same Zone Leader was kneeling down next to me and when I looked up he made me eat something and then as he was leaving, he said “Hey, we don’t need you to just be strong, we want to know when you’re not okay.” It made me realize that my pride lets me hide things that I don’t need to
hide, that there is no shame in admitting that I am not always okay.

Not Everything is Extreme: I have spent my whole life looking at things in black and white. Well, between not being able to work because of my leg and then having to make the decision not to extend my mission, I finally learned how to stop looking at the extreme. I
remember thinking that if I didn’t extend, I wasn’t a good missionary and I wasn’t completing my duties, and if I did extend I was basically an amazing missionary and example. I remember thinking that God would be disappointed if I didn’t extend, but now I am learning that God really looks on the heart and loves us for our desires, even if our
health, and His will, keeps us from realizing them.

No One Is Invincible: I was talking to a Sister this week and she started talking about how she was worried because she’s felt that she is having some emotional problems but told me that she didn’t want to tell anyone about it and that this stuff happens in her family a lot etc. I remember just cutting her off and saying “Let me guess. You don’t want to tell anyone about it because you don’t want to hear that you have a problem because you keep telling yourself that you’re not like your family and that this can’t happen to YOU of all people. But, you’re even more scared that maybe there’s actually nothing wrong with you and you’re just making this stuff up?” She almost started crying and said “Oh my gosh, do you read minds??” Then, I told her a little bit of my story and she didn’t believe me. “YOU have had these problems?? How could I not tell??” I just laughed. It can happen to anyone.

Mother Nature Can Be Cruel: Quote of the Week from my good old New Yorker Zone Leader: “Wait. Periods last a whole week??? That SUCKS!” Hahaha. So, being on medication for my leg for so long got my defenses down so much and then starting my period this week killed me with my anxiety and anemia and Hypoglycemia and everything that I was pretty sick and was fainting a little bit. When Hermana Gomez heard, she came
rushing over to my house with chocolate strawberries and a smoothie and some vitamins. Hahaha I loved it. There are missionaries alone in the Hospital with Parasites and Knee Surgeries and things but who gets special treatment? The girl on her period. Love it!

Fight: I have had an obsession lately with the song “Danny Boy” and I remember wondering what it would be like to send your son off to war. Then, I listened more closely to the lyrics and remembered that, about 15 short months ago, the best parents in the world sent their daughter off to war. It wasn’t a typical kind of war, but it is the most important war ever waged. The war for Salvation. I remember what I promised mom when I left “I promise you that I will not only survive, I will THRIVE.” Sometimes I feel like I am surviving, but, overall, I am thriving as I “gird up my loins” roll up my sleeves, and work everyday.

Finish Strong: I remember being twelve years old when dad took me to the Dixie State track to get some 800m splits before the Hershey’s Track Meet. I was always stopping at the finish line. Then, he taught me one of the most important lessons of my life (as he always seemed to do when we ran). “Don’t stop at the finish line, you need to run THROUGH it. Well, as I enter my “Last Twelve Weeks” today, his voice rings in my head. I need to run through that line and not slow down. 100 percent, all the way to the tape!!! I am ready.

Love, 

Hermana Simonson

Part of the Sea

What a week! Last P-Day was one of the best days of my mission. I was basically walking on air for having extended my mission. Then, we went FISHING! Can you imagine anything better than sitting out on a bridge above the Amazon River for several hours with some of your best friends from around the world. It was great! 

Everyone kept asking me why I was so happy and smiling and they didn’t believe that extending my mission would make me so happy, but it did! I love this work and I feel like I could do it forever. Plus, after everything I went through and almost being sent home, I liked to think that extending was a big old sucker punch to Satan’s throat, which definitely made me feel great. Then, to make things even better, I was able to go proselyte at night for the first time in several weeks. It was amazing.

Then, in the quiet of the night as I said my prayers and thanked Heavenly Father for the chance to extend my mission, a voice whispered in my heart “I gave you the option, but did you ask ME if I want you to take it?” I thought about it for a second and brushed the feeling off and said “Obviously He wants me to take it! I’m going to be serving Him for more time.”  Everything made so much sense. With everything that happened, I felt like Satan was trying to discourage me. It seemed so obvious that the reason he wanted to discourage me was to keep me from extending.

The next morning, I couldn’t feel the Spirit. I felt so distracted by the decision. So, I took some time to make a list of all the reasons why I should and shouldn’t extend.  I realized that, for the most part, my reasons for extending were very outward things: sucker punch the Devil, have more time on Leadership Council, less time waiting around at home, more time with my mission friends, etc. But the reasons for NOT staying were more humble, inward reasons: protect my health, help my family, and, most importantly, because the Spirit told me it was right. I knelt down and asked if I really needed to come home at my normally assigned time and I FINALLY felt at peace. I knew that it was what was right.

But, that didn’t make it easy. The whole week was a rollercoaster.  The training program is called the “First  Twelve Weeks” and I realized that I am just about to enter my “Last twelve Weeks.” I remembered the haunting thought of one day having a LAST Baptism, a LAST lesson, a LAST lunch with members. 

My heart was broken. “PLEASE!” I prayed. Please let me stay at LEAST six more weeks. I am not ready, I will never be ready.” Then, I realized the hard truth. The real reason I wanted to extend: I am scared. I don’t want to be a baby but honestly, I am SO scared. I realized something. After so many years of struggling, I FINALLY found who I am.

I have been able to have such great success in my mission. Being in the mission, everyone kind of knows everything and I know my place here and my best friends in the whole world (literally, in the whole world! ;)) are here and I’m a leader and I am watched over and what happens when I take that nametag off and just go back to being nobody? I don’t know why I was so scared, but I was SO scared.

Then, in the Leadership Council (another month has come and gone!) I was assigned to give a training. I was really nervous  because I can train in Zone Conferences without a  problem, but leadership council is when the Zone Leaders from all over fly in and whatever I taught, they would have to reteach to all of their Zones..so it was basically like training the whole mission. But, it went really well. And, having it go well made my decision even harder  because I thought “Look, I can make a difference here! I don’t need to go home in September!” 

During lunch, everyone was talking about how they had extended their missions and how happy they were and I just wanted to be a part of that so bad. Well, everyone thought I WAS a part of it…but I hadn’t given them the update. In the bathroom, I was almost in tears. “Heavenly Father, I have finally, FINALLY found something I am good at. I belong here. Will you really not let me extend?”

The answer was clear and the decision was final. I realized that, even though I am scared, I need to end my mission with the same scripture I started it with: D&C 6:36. Doubt Not. Fear Not. 

I came to an amazing realization. As I was standing in the church, confused with all these thoughts going through my head and people that I was talking to, someone came up behind me and said “Hermana Simonson! I sent them, I sent the papers!” With all the confusion, I didn’t think about it much, but then it finally hit me: MISSION PAPERS. 

I turned around and saw my own convert, Juan, with a big smile on his face. I have a convert getting ready to go on a mission. He has already baptized 5 people, and now he will get to baptize even more. I took a moment to remember the day that we found him. I was a brand new trainer without a clue and Hermana Dickey was just a bright eyed newby with very limited Spanish. Wanting to give up, we finally knocked on a door and what came out of the door knock? A FUTURE MISSIONARY.

I finally realized that I will NEVER have a last Baptism. Why? Because this work is Eternal. Every life that I have touched with be changed for forever, and will be able to touch more lives. And, as far as the Leadership Council goes, I would love to announce that I am officially training the future Sister Leader (I know, right, it would have been nice if someone would have trained me! But that’s what happens when you’re the first), and, guess who it is??? That,’s right, Hermana Dickey!!!! So, someone that I trained to be a missionary will now be taking my place. It looks like I will still be a leader, but I will most likely go out to a different part and she will stay in Iquitos being the main HLC—SO AWESOME!!!!

One day, two waves were preparing to crash on the shore. One looked to the other and said “I don’t want to hit the shore. After such an amazing journey, we are coming to the end.” The other wave responded saying “Our journey may end, but we will never end. After all, we are part of the SEA.” 

Love- Hermana Simonson 

FREEDOM!

Great news: I’M FREE!!!!! Today I am officially walking without crutches. I still have the brace on, but other than that I will be able to be out working again this week.  Friday night, I got a call saying that I won’t need the surgery which was great news.

In other news, the lost dog effect struck again! Right after my decision to love my companions, Hna. Peña got an emergency transfer this week because a missionary went home for sickness and they had to
move people around a bit. But, I am moving forward.

This week was a big one as far as Sister Troubles go. I got a call because a Sister thought that her companion was throwing up, so I had to go verify the situation. Of course, if you just show up there and say “Are you bulimic?” nothing good will come out of it, so I always have to try and take it slow and ask inspired questions and pretend like I don’t know anything until it comes out and she admits it. So, it worked and she admitted it and then Hermana Gomez came to talk to her and the sister just talked about how she doesn’t like herself and all that.  

Hermana Gomez asked her to give three reasons of why she didn’t like herself. She said “Well, I don’t learn fast, I’m boring….” And then she looked at the ground and was silent and said “AND I’LL NEVER BE HERMANA SIMONSON!!”

It was like someone punched me in the stomach. NO, even worse. It was like someone punched me in my infected leg. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had somehow acted superior or made her think that she HAD to be more like me.  I felt really, really bad.

I was assured that it wasn’t anything I did it was just because she looked up to me and that I didn’t need to worry about it. But then, Hermana Gomez made a really good point when she mentioned that all the good things that that sister sees in me are things that I have acquired on my mission. She talked of how much I have grown up and changed and it hit me really hard that I owe SO much to this mission. I really do.

On that note, decision time. I was going to write more about sister problems from the week, but then that little letter I just read that invited me to extend my mission threw me for a loop. I am going to have to do a lot of reading and praying this week. I know that once I’m home, I’ll be home for good, so what does six weeks matter? 

Not a lot changes at home in six weeks, but a lot can change in the mission in six weeks. A lot of good can be done in six weeks. I am leaning towards extending, but I know it will be a test of my faith.  I can’t lie and say that I can’t wait to be home with you, but I also know that there is a work that I need to do here, and maybe I can do it in six weeks. 

It’s a bit of a dilemma for me, but the Lord has the answer and now I just need to do what I ask investigators to do everyday: Pray, and listen to the Lord’s response. I’ve got a good week ahead of me to really figure out what the Lord has in store for me. I love this Gospel and I love this work and I know that whatever happens, the Lord is in it!

Other than that, we baptized a family on Saturday and it was so sweet. It is an old grandma that is seventy years old and raising her ten year old grandson that she adopted when his parents abandoned him. I love how this work can change lives in such a sweet way.

Have a great week!

Hermana Simonson

The Lost Dog Effect and Not Yet as Job

Well, training my new “hijas” has been a bit of a roller coaster. I call it the “Lost Dog Effect.” I remember how, when I was little, I always LOVED dogs. But, of course, the Simonson Family can’t keep a dog for very long (other than Rockee…if she is still living….). So, after feeling like I had “loved and lost” way too many dogs, when I was about 14 I put up the pretext that I just hate dogs.  Even when I was 18, I was still playing the I-hate-dogs card until Rockee took care of me. 

Well, I think that my hijas have kind of done the same thing to me. After having the first one taken away in an emergency transfer, the next one going to a new area and calling me crying almost every night for the problems they were having, the next one that worked so hard to learn everything and begged me to teach her more, and then went on to train and open an area but got to a point of disobedience where I, being her Leader, had to go to her house and tell her that President wanted to talk to her and that she would have to go home if things didn’t get better, and then the last one that I loved to death and became my best friend in the whole world, and then one day she comes home with a headache and next thing I know she was on a plane home. 

I guess that’s why I wasn’t too excited to train, especially not to train TWO people at once. I don’t think I have really been the best trainer every (aside from the part that I haven’t been able to get up and work for almost two weeks!) because I haven’t opened myself up to really love them like I loved my other companions. I put up the pretext that I couldn’t love my companions so much, because I would just get hurt in the end (I know, I know, I will NEVER be able to be a good mom with that kind of attitude!). 

As I was sitting in study hour doing practices with one of my companions, I had to try really hard not to be frustrated because I felt like she just was not getting it. Then, a stern voice pierced my heart “I gave them to you, because I thought you would love them.” 

My heart ached. It’s no coincidence that I am training both of them. It’s no coincidence that they both happen to be young women with some very big trials in their lives. I prayed for forgiveness and tried to start being better. 

It’s not easy to love, but I remember a sweet little boy that was only a part of my life for a short time, and since the beginning, I felt he was only going to be there for a short time, so I didn’t let myself love him. Then, I finally couldn’t put the walls up any more and I made a decision to love that boy as much as I wanted to. And yes, it hurt when, the night before leaving on my mission, I bent down to hug him and the Spirit told me it was the last time I would be able to do it. It hurt a lot. But, it hurt a lot less than if I would have had to say goodbye, knowing that I never loved him like I should of. Charity never faileth. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t bring pain, but at least it doesn’t fail. Sometimes, we just have to take down our walls, and decide to love.

It started out last P-Day. I was unable to write all the details that I wanted, because I had two Elders (an x District Leader and current zone leader) that refused to leave my side. They just kept talking and talking and talking and trying to convince me to go to Quistococha, a jungle beach type place, with the Zone, since it would probably be my last time.  I told them no, that I needed to be on rest, that the hike to the beach would be too hard for me to make and sitting there watching while everyone played volleyball would just make me more depressed. Basically, I was being a party pooper. 

When I argued that not being able to make it to the beach was a valid excuse, the looked at each other, then looked at me, and one said “I will carry you.” Thinking it was a joke, I just laughed until the other, my Zone Leader, looked at me and said “No, it’s for real. Hermana Simonson, I really want you to come.” So, I went. 

The Elders found a MotoKar that would take me through most of the hike part, and from there I was actually able to walk (without being carried;)), to the beach. Slowly, but surely. And, I wasn’t walking alone. My companions, Hermana Dickey, and Elder Avila and Elder Muñoz patiently walked beside me, laughing the whole way.  Some of the missionaries were playing volleyball and others were playing soccer, but there was also a little group sitting with Hermana Simonson, making sandcastles and laughing.

It continued throughout the week.  The shelf next to my bed is filled with protein bars, oils, pills, wraps, more pills, lotions, more pills, hospital receipts, vitamins, etc. It made me depressed. With my worldly eyes, it looked like it either belonged to an old woman, or a young woman with way too many problems. Well, I decided to put my Spiritual eyes on. Instead of looking at all the medicines and remedies, I started to think of all the people that had given me those things. I put a little post it on each on to say who gave it to me. Now, when I look at that stupid little shelf, I see a list of people that love me and care about me, not just a list of problems that I have.

Then, President and Hermana Gomez came by my house several times. DO you realize how amazing and rare it is to have a President that physically goes to your house to check on you? One time, they got there later than planned and Hermana Gomez came up my stairs and said “Sorry it took so long. Usually I bring sick missionaries some fruits and things, but I knew Hermana Simonson isn’t the biggest fruit fan, so I had to make some cookies.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

Then, when things didn’t get better as expected, Hermana Gomez felt that there was something the Hospital didn’t find, so her and President personally took me to a specialist and he found problems that the Hospital didn’t. He ordered me to more rest and, even though I cried a bit at the news, I got back to my house that night feeling pretty good about life, for having spent the entire night in the giant mission home, eating Mexican Food and laughing with the Gomez Family. 

Anyway, even before the leg problem, everyone had started to call me “Job” and they thought it was pretty funny. Well, as I reflected on all the amazing help I have received this week (it would be impossible to write it all out) I remembered a scripture I have always loved:

 7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

 8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high;thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

 9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

 10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend 

against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.

So what if (as everyone loves to remind me), I’ve been really sick and almost got sent home, I haven’t been sleeping too well, my companion went home, my whole district got sent away on an emergency transfer, I have to train two people at once, my area is falling apart a bit, I’ve spent a lot of time in the Hospital, I was drugged up by a crazy doctor, and, well, a lot of other stuff happened and, to top it all off, I fell in a sewer? 

I have been blessed to be part of an amazing zone and amazing ward where I am being taken care of. Even if everything seems to be falling apart, I have one thing more than just Vitamins and Testimony: I have amazing friends. Heck, I would call them my family at this point. Sometimes, I let myself think “Meghan had everything she wanted, so why does Hermana Simonson have all the bad luck?” But, I realized today that, honestly, I am a very lucky girl. I mean, how many other people can say that they are in another part of the world, doing the hardest work there is, but somehow are still surrounded by family? How many people can say that they are perfectly happy, even with an infection in their leg caused by other people’s poop? I am pretty sure I am the only one! That’s some great luck.

The best part about all the support that I have gotten, is that I never have felt that the missionaries feel obligated to support me because they have to be Chrsitlike. I have just felt that they have done it because they really do like me and like to be with me. I don’t know if it’s true, but at least it’s how I’ve felt!! That’s when I realized something: if I have been able to be so loved even when I can’t work, that means that they don’t just love me for my work. 

Sometimes, I felt like I only had friends or that I was only a good missionary because of the things I’ve accomplished and because of the success I’ve had or the position I am in. I think I really based my self worth as a missionary off of that. But, I finally had a realization that I have needed my whole life “What we DO as a missionary (or as a person), is less important than who we ARE as a missionary (or a person). Just because I can’t work, doesn’t mean I am not a good missionary. I learned that with the experience I shared about last Sunday in church. Well guess what, the church was fuller than ever yesterday! Not because of the things I can do, but because of the person I can be.

No matter who we are or how strong people might think we are, we all come to points in our lives when we really need to have someone look us in the eyes and say “I will carry you” or “I want you to be there.” I am so grateful for the blessing of being surrounded my one family while the other is far away. As I said before, I never realized that I had family from Chile, Guatemala, New York, Maine, Peru, Honduras, The Dominican Republic, Mexico, etc. But, I sure do! And, I am so grateful for them.  When everything else seems to be falling apart, I have a lot of people there to put it back together.

Love- Hermana Simonson

Another Little Thought:

I was looking over some old emails right now and found a message that an old District Leader sent me last week when he saw me with crutches and heard my story (already knowing better than anyone else all the things that have happened) and said (it's never the same after translating) "Remember that not fainting, is better than just surviving." I can "faint" and just try to survive the end of my mission, or I can push forward and try to keep doing everything in my power and ENJOY my mission like I always have!

Vitamins and Testimony

Well, it’s been a fun morning. I’m at the Internet Shack with all the Missionaries from Iquitos and they keep looking at me and asking what happened to me. I think I’m funny, I keep responding with “What HASN’T happened to me?” We all get a good laugh out of it. It’s like Hermana Gomez said, “Hermana Simonson always seems to find a way to be made famous!”

First things first, I got the package!!!!! This goes against everything I believe, but I will admit that I love the oils. What would I do without parents to take care of me?

This week was…well…I don’t think there is a word to describe it. It was a week. Thursday night, we were walking in the rain and I was a little dizzy and wasn’t paying attention, and (please hold your laughter) I fell into a sewer. Like, a big old manhole.  

I was walking and, next thing I knew, I was up to my waist in fecal matter. It hurt. A LOT. We got back to the house and, as the adrenaline passed, I realized that I was in a lot, a lot, A LOT of pain. I got washed up and laid down and my companions looked at my leg and almost died. Calls were made and at about eleven o clock at night, a nurse showed up at our house, sent by President Gomez. She saw the wound on my purple, swollen, bleeding leg and started examining it and explained that a vein was out of place and that something could be broken and talking about surgery and so many things and I was sent into complete shock and fainted as my companions carried me to the bathroom.  

When I came to, the nurse was hovered over me and apologized for what she was about to do. She put a towel in my mouth and told me to bite it. As she began to pour disinfectant on the open wound, I couldn’t help but scream and cry. I have never experienced anything so painful. It must have been a sight to see. I was laying there, with a towel in my mouth, sweating and shaking and crying and SCREAMING like I have never screamed in my life. She wrapped the wound and gave me some pills and ordered us to go to the Hospital first thing in the morning.

When I got to the Hospital they put me in a wheelchair and did X-Rays and Ultrasound and just about everything possible. Long story short, there were no serious complications, but the bruising and scrape and infection was really bad. I was ordered to rest for at least a week and told to find crutches. 

As we sat there, waiting for the medicine to be ready and a shot for the pain and all that stuff, the Zone Leaders called and said they were coming to the Hospital and that if I wanted a blessing they were willing to do it. When they placed their hands upon my head, I felt calm at last. The words of the blessing were so clear and incredibly powerful. 

“The Lord wants you to know that he is very, very mindful of you and your situation. He knows every trial you are facing in your mission and in your life. He cares about you. That is why you are still in this Zone. This is why you are with two companions. Everything WILL be okay.”  Then, after six months with me, the Zone Leaders accomplished their dream-they saw me cry. 

Elder Belnap pushed me out of the room and the two of them sat down to talk to me. They looked up at me and said “Honestly, with EVERYTHING that has happened to you, how are you feeling right now? We have never seen anyone pass through so many trials at once.” They listened to everything and asked “Honestly, Sister, what keeps you going?” 

I didn’t know how to respond. A few weeks ago, Hermana Gomez had told me that the things that were keeping me going and would keep me in the mission were vitamins, my testimony, and going running every morning. “Well….running is out. So I guess it’s testimony and vitamins?” We all laughed.

The next day, I remember laying there and an almost audible voice tormented me. I realized that my two companions were stuck there, unable to work, just because I was sick. The mission would have just been better off if I wasn’t here. I was just costing them money and keeping my companions from being able to work. I have never cried so much in my life. I felt hopeless. I had no point in being here.  I have never felt so depressed before.

That night, the Zone Leaders came over later to give me my crutches. Elder Avila got them all adjusted for me and then Elder Belnap (who is 6’9) tried to show me how to walk up the stairs with crutches and fell over on the stairs. I almost died of laughter. In that moment, with my leaders and companions there and me laughing my head off, everything was suddenly okay. I remembered that, when I was set apart, I was promised Guardian Angels. In that moment, I was looking at a couple of them.

Sunday, we got to church just as the Bishop announced that I would be speaking. As I made my way up to the pulpit, everyone turned around to look at me with my crutches. I was so embarrassed. I got up and gave a normal talk and sat down. Everything was silent and I noticed that many members were crying.  The Bishop, who wasn’t on the Program, got up and spoke tearfully about my example and faith and how I was there and as happy as every even though I was in pain. 

Many members came up to me crying and committed to never miss a Sunday, even if they were sick, because of my example. That’s when I realized that, even if I can’t exactly do much right now, just being here and being who I am is changing lives. I know that I didn’t make a wrong choice when I decided to stay here. I know this is where I belong…no matter what happens.

Love- Hermana Simonson

Entitlement

Well, I am sure there are thousands of missionaries around the world writing the same thing right now, but let me just say it was SO great to talk to you guys yesterday! This week has been…interesting to say the least! I was incredibly surprised during the transfer meeting to hear that I would be staying in the same area yet again, and that EVERYONE in my district was leaving. EVERYONE.

After all the problems that had happened, they decided to take everyone out other than me. That was a hard blow because it meant that I would be in charge of not just my area, but also of showing two other companion-ships around their areas. Plus, it meant I was going to be left alone by all of my awesome mission friends.

My area is really rough and small so it is hard not to get incredibly bored of talking to all of the same people day after day. Then, my Zone Leader looked at me with a smirk asking how many “daughters” I had, and announced that I would have one more. I’ll be honest, I wanted to cry. I think I might have a little bit. I just was not ready to have to train again, and be in charge of the district, and stay in the same area.

That night, I was helping Hermana Allphin and Hermana Hernandez pack their things (Elders were going to be moving into their area!) and I did something that I really should never, ever do. I saw them getting ready to go and have new areas and new people and new adventures and leave me here alone after EVERYTHING that has happened to us over the last few weeks and I said “Honestly, NOW I don’t think that it could get any worse.” Challenge Accepted.

A few minutes later, the phone rang and the assistants informed me that they would be bringing a bed into my house because I would not be training one, but two new missionaries. I almost lost it. Being in a trio is the typical idea of worst-thing-that-can-happen-to-you-in-the-mission-especially-if-you’re-senior-companion. It’s hard to work in a trio. You lose more money because everything costs more, usually two people in the trio get along better than the other and they start fighting and things like that.

I started feeling really sorry for myself. Anxiety. Same old area that just happens to be known for being one of the hardest in the mission. A traumatic week after being taken out of my area for safety reasons and then having to go back and work as if nothing happened. No companion for two weeks. No district leader. Everyone leaving. Being in charge of three areas plus all the hermanas. Training again. Training TWO at the same time.  Hermana Allphin, my best friend that has been with me for everything, going to Tarapoto. I was done.

After everything that had happened two weeks ago, I remember one night Hermana Allphin and I went out to work together and she looked at our shadows and said “Look at this. This makes me so happy to see us out working. We remain after everything that has happened, we are still out serving the Lord.”

Later that night, we watched a little video clip from the Emma Smith movie and we talked about how cool it was to watch another example of someone who just keeps forward no matter what happens. That was my goal, but when I saw them leaving, I lost sight of the goal and broke down into tears. They just kind of held me there and I said “After everything everything that has happened I have been okay, but for the first time in my whole mission I feel like I literally can’t do it.” I had to get myself together fast.

I took a breather and next thing I knew I was the happiest person in the New Missionary Meeting. I was laughing and talking just fine. I was given my two new companions and told them only positive things about the area. I was put in charge of giving a training/lecture/presentation/speech (I cant exactly remember the exact word for “capacitacion” in English!) in Multi-Zone Conference.

 There, I was also given a few Certificates for all of the Baptisms that I had with Hermana Ventura. I couldn’t believe the comments people gave to me. They all know that I am sick, they just have no idea about with what, and they kept talking about how Hermana Simonson, being sick and being a Leader, and training, and being in a hard area, and losing her companion, could still baptize and teach the zone and do everything.

I remembered a quote from the Emma Smith clip that I have become an addict to, that shows Emma kneeling down and crying and praying and they quote her saying “Everyone says that I am strong……I don’t feel strong.” That’s how I felt. Would people still talk that way if they knew WHAT I am sick with? If they knew that I have to take several pills just to be able to sleep at night? If they knew that, just after what they called my “awesome” presentation I had to slip into a different room with the Zone Leaders so that they could give me a blessing? Would they think I was so strong if they knew that it was just a few weeks ago that I almost got sent home?

I just didn’t feel strong. I just wanted to be the person that everyone seems to see. Well, you know what? I learned the secret to getting over my selfishness and feeling sorry for myself. Remember when we were Skyping and there were a bunch of people behind me talking to their daughter that is in a different mission? They taught me an amazing lesson yesterday. The dad got on Skype and talking for less than two minutes and said “It is so amazing to say hi to you for a minute. I love you so much. Wow! What a blessing to hear your voice.”

Then, he stepped aside so that other random members of the ward could talk to his daughter. There I was, frustrated because the Skype was blurry and I had to call to be able to hear and because I only was allowed forty minutes, and this humble man was ever grateful for his two minutes.

What was the difference between me and him? Last night, it hit me. ENTITLEMENT. Instead of feeling entitled to more time with his daughter, he was grateful for the time he did have. He didn’t feel like he deserved or was entitled to anything, so the little he had was a huge blessing. If we start thinking that we are entitled to certain things, we get frustrated and angry and jealous, we start to think that our lives are less than how they should be.

Who says that I was entitled to have a transfer? Who says that I should only have one companion? Who says that I deserve to not have to train? Why should I be entitled to have the same district there with me? Why am I entitled to better health instead of being grateful for the health I do have? Why should I DESERVE anything different than I already have?

This really was such an amazing realization as I learned that my life and mission will be more Spiritual and more blessed if I stop thinking about how things should be, and focus on the good of how things are?

Really, I am not ENTITLED to anything, but I have been BLESSED with a lot of things. I am so very grateful for the blessings that the Lord has given me and that I am here in His work.

I love it! I love my mission, trials included.

Love- Hermana Simonson