The Lost Dog Effect and Not Yet as Job

Well, training my new “hijas” has been a bit of a roller coaster. I call it the “Lost Dog Effect.” I remember how, when I was little, I always LOVED dogs. But, of course, the Simonson Family can’t keep a dog for very long (other than Rockee…if she is still living….). So, after feeling like I had “loved and lost” way too many dogs, when I was about 14 I put up the pretext that I just hate dogs.  Even when I was 18, I was still playing the I-hate-dogs card until Rockee took care of me. 

Well, I think that my hijas have kind of done the same thing to me. After having the first one taken away in an emergency transfer, the next one going to a new area and calling me crying almost every night for the problems they were having, the next one that worked so hard to learn everything and begged me to teach her more, and then went on to train and open an area but got to a point of disobedience where I, being her Leader, had to go to her house and tell her that President wanted to talk to her and that she would have to go home if things didn’t get better, and then the last one that I loved to death and became my best friend in the whole world, and then one day she comes home with a headache and next thing I know she was on a plane home. 

I guess that’s why I wasn’t too excited to train, especially not to train TWO people at once. I don’t think I have really been the best trainer every (aside from the part that I haven’t been able to get up and work for almost two weeks!) because I haven’t opened myself up to really love them like I loved my other companions. I put up the pretext that I couldn’t love my companions so much, because I would just get hurt in the end (I know, I know, I will NEVER be able to be a good mom with that kind of attitude!). 

As I was sitting in study hour doing practices with one of my companions, I had to try really hard not to be frustrated because I felt like she just was not getting it. Then, a stern voice pierced my heart “I gave them to you, because I thought you would love them.” 

My heart ached. It’s no coincidence that I am training both of them. It’s no coincidence that they both happen to be young women with some very big trials in their lives. I prayed for forgiveness and tried to start being better. 

It’s not easy to love, but I remember a sweet little boy that was only a part of my life for a short time, and since the beginning, I felt he was only going to be there for a short time, so I didn’t let myself love him. Then, I finally couldn’t put the walls up any more and I made a decision to love that boy as much as I wanted to. And yes, it hurt when, the night before leaving on my mission, I bent down to hug him and the Spirit told me it was the last time I would be able to do it. It hurt a lot. But, it hurt a lot less than if I would have had to say goodbye, knowing that I never loved him like I should of. Charity never faileth. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t bring pain, but at least it doesn’t fail. Sometimes, we just have to take down our walls, and decide to love.

It started out last P-Day. I was unable to write all the details that I wanted, because I had two Elders (an x District Leader and current zone leader) that refused to leave my side. They just kept talking and talking and talking and trying to convince me to go to Quistococha, a jungle beach type place, with the Zone, since it would probably be my last time.  I told them no, that I needed to be on rest, that the hike to the beach would be too hard for me to make and sitting there watching while everyone played volleyball would just make me more depressed. Basically, I was being a party pooper. 

When I argued that not being able to make it to the beach was a valid excuse, the looked at each other, then looked at me, and one said “I will carry you.” Thinking it was a joke, I just laughed until the other, my Zone Leader, looked at me and said “No, it’s for real. Hermana Simonson, I really want you to come.” So, I went. 

The Elders found a MotoKar that would take me through most of the hike part, and from there I was actually able to walk (without being carried;)), to the beach. Slowly, but surely. And, I wasn’t walking alone. My companions, Hermana Dickey, and Elder Avila and Elder Muñoz patiently walked beside me, laughing the whole way.  Some of the missionaries were playing volleyball and others were playing soccer, but there was also a little group sitting with Hermana Simonson, making sandcastles and laughing.

It continued throughout the week.  The shelf next to my bed is filled with protein bars, oils, pills, wraps, more pills, lotions, more pills, hospital receipts, vitamins, etc. It made me depressed. With my worldly eyes, it looked like it either belonged to an old woman, or a young woman with way too many problems. Well, I decided to put my Spiritual eyes on. Instead of looking at all the medicines and remedies, I started to think of all the people that had given me those things. I put a little post it on each on to say who gave it to me. Now, when I look at that stupid little shelf, I see a list of people that love me and care about me, not just a list of problems that I have.

Then, President and Hermana Gomez came by my house several times. DO you realize how amazing and rare it is to have a President that physically goes to your house to check on you? One time, they got there later than planned and Hermana Gomez came up my stairs and said “Sorry it took so long. Usually I bring sick missionaries some fruits and things, but I knew Hermana Simonson isn’t the biggest fruit fan, so I had to make some cookies.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

Then, when things didn’t get better as expected, Hermana Gomez felt that there was something the Hospital didn’t find, so her and President personally took me to a specialist and he found problems that the Hospital didn’t. He ordered me to more rest and, even though I cried a bit at the news, I got back to my house that night feeling pretty good about life, for having spent the entire night in the giant mission home, eating Mexican Food and laughing with the Gomez Family. 

Anyway, even before the leg problem, everyone had started to call me “Job” and they thought it was pretty funny. Well, as I reflected on all the amazing help I have received this week (it would be impossible to write it all out) I remembered a scripture I have always loved:

 7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

 8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high;thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

 9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

 10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend 

against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.

So what if (as everyone loves to remind me), I’ve been really sick and almost got sent home, I haven’t been sleeping too well, my companion went home, my whole district got sent away on an emergency transfer, I have to train two people at once, my area is falling apart a bit, I’ve spent a lot of time in the Hospital, I was drugged up by a crazy doctor, and, well, a lot of other stuff happened and, to top it all off, I fell in a sewer? 

I have been blessed to be part of an amazing zone and amazing ward where I am being taken care of. Even if everything seems to be falling apart, I have one thing more than just Vitamins and Testimony: I have amazing friends. Heck, I would call them my family at this point. Sometimes, I let myself think “Meghan had everything she wanted, so why does Hermana Simonson have all the bad luck?” But, I realized today that, honestly, I am a very lucky girl. I mean, how many other people can say that they are in another part of the world, doing the hardest work there is, but somehow are still surrounded by family? How many people can say that they are perfectly happy, even with an infection in their leg caused by other people’s poop? I am pretty sure I am the only one! That’s some great luck.

The best part about all the support that I have gotten, is that I never have felt that the missionaries feel obligated to support me because they have to be Chrsitlike. I have just felt that they have done it because they really do like me and like to be with me. I don’t know if it’s true, but at least it’s how I’ve felt!! That’s when I realized something: if I have been able to be so loved even when I can’t work, that means that they don’t just love me for my work. 

Sometimes, I felt like I only had friends or that I was only a good missionary because of the things I’ve accomplished and because of the success I’ve had or the position I am in. I think I really based my self worth as a missionary off of that. But, I finally had a realization that I have needed my whole life “What we DO as a missionary (or as a person), is less important than who we ARE as a missionary (or a person). Just because I can’t work, doesn’t mean I am not a good missionary. I learned that with the experience I shared about last Sunday in church. Well guess what, the church was fuller than ever yesterday! Not because of the things I can do, but because of the person I can be.

No matter who we are or how strong people might think we are, we all come to points in our lives when we really need to have someone look us in the eyes and say “I will carry you” or “I want you to be there.” I am so grateful for the blessing of being surrounded my one family while the other is far away. As I said before, I never realized that I had family from Chile, Guatemala, New York, Maine, Peru, Honduras, The Dominican Republic, Mexico, etc. But, I sure do! And, I am so grateful for them.  When everything else seems to be falling apart, I have a lot of people there to put it back together.

Love- Hermana Simonson

Another Little Thought:

I was looking over some old emails right now and found a message that an old District Leader sent me last week when he saw me with crutches and heard my story (already knowing better than anyone else all the things that have happened) and said (it's never the same after translating) "Remember that not fainting, is better than just surviving." I can "faint" and just try to survive the end of my mission, or I can push forward and try to keep doing everything in my power and ENJOY my mission like I always have!

Vitamins and Testimony

Well, it’s been a fun morning. I’m at the Internet Shack with all the Missionaries from Iquitos and they keep looking at me and asking what happened to me. I think I’m funny, I keep responding with “What HASN’T happened to me?” We all get a good laugh out of it. It’s like Hermana Gomez said, “Hermana Simonson always seems to find a way to be made famous!”

First things first, I got the package!!!!! This goes against everything I believe, but I will admit that I love the oils. What would I do without parents to take care of me?

This week was…well…I don’t think there is a word to describe it. It was a week. Thursday night, we were walking in the rain and I was a little dizzy and wasn’t paying attention, and (please hold your laughter) I fell into a sewer. Like, a big old manhole.  

I was walking and, next thing I knew, I was up to my waist in fecal matter. It hurt. A LOT. We got back to the house and, as the adrenaline passed, I realized that I was in a lot, a lot, A LOT of pain. I got washed up and laid down and my companions looked at my leg and almost died. Calls were made and at about eleven o clock at night, a nurse showed up at our house, sent by President Gomez. She saw the wound on my purple, swollen, bleeding leg and started examining it and explained that a vein was out of place and that something could be broken and talking about surgery and so many things and I was sent into complete shock and fainted as my companions carried me to the bathroom.  

When I came to, the nurse was hovered over me and apologized for what she was about to do. She put a towel in my mouth and told me to bite it. As she began to pour disinfectant on the open wound, I couldn’t help but scream and cry. I have never experienced anything so painful. It must have been a sight to see. I was laying there, with a towel in my mouth, sweating and shaking and crying and SCREAMING like I have never screamed in my life. She wrapped the wound and gave me some pills and ordered us to go to the Hospital first thing in the morning.

When I got to the Hospital they put me in a wheelchair and did X-Rays and Ultrasound and just about everything possible. Long story short, there were no serious complications, but the bruising and scrape and infection was really bad. I was ordered to rest for at least a week and told to find crutches. 

As we sat there, waiting for the medicine to be ready and a shot for the pain and all that stuff, the Zone Leaders called and said they were coming to the Hospital and that if I wanted a blessing they were willing to do it. When they placed their hands upon my head, I felt calm at last. The words of the blessing were so clear and incredibly powerful. 

“The Lord wants you to know that he is very, very mindful of you and your situation. He knows every trial you are facing in your mission and in your life. He cares about you. That is why you are still in this Zone. This is why you are with two companions. Everything WILL be okay.”  Then, after six months with me, the Zone Leaders accomplished their dream-they saw me cry. 

Elder Belnap pushed me out of the room and the two of them sat down to talk to me. They looked up at me and said “Honestly, with EVERYTHING that has happened to you, how are you feeling right now? We have never seen anyone pass through so many trials at once.” They listened to everything and asked “Honestly, Sister, what keeps you going?” 

I didn’t know how to respond. A few weeks ago, Hermana Gomez had told me that the things that were keeping me going and would keep me in the mission were vitamins, my testimony, and going running every morning. “Well….running is out. So I guess it’s testimony and vitamins?” We all laughed.

The next day, I remember laying there and an almost audible voice tormented me. I realized that my two companions were stuck there, unable to work, just because I was sick. The mission would have just been better off if I wasn’t here. I was just costing them money and keeping my companions from being able to work. I have never cried so much in my life. I felt hopeless. I had no point in being here.  I have never felt so depressed before.

That night, the Zone Leaders came over later to give me my crutches. Elder Avila got them all adjusted for me and then Elder Belnap (who is 6’9) tried to show me how to walk up the stairs with crutches and fell over on the stairs. I almost died of laughter. In that moment, with my leaders and companions there and me laughing my head off, everything was suddenly okay. I remembered that, when I was set apart, I was promised Guardian Angels. In that moment, I was looking at a couple of them.

Sunday, we got to church just as the Bishop announced that I would be speaking. As I made my way up to the pulpit, everyone turned around to look at me with my crutches. I was so embarrassed. I got up and gave a normal talk and sat down. Everything was silent and I noticed that many members were crying.  The Bishop, who wasn’t on the Program, got up and spoke tearfully about my example and faith and how I was there and as happy as every even though I was in pain. 

Many members came up to me crying and committed to never miss a Sunday, even if they were sick, because of my example. That’s when I realized that, even if I can’t exactly do much right now, just being here and being who I am is changing lives. I know that I didn’t make a wrong choice when I decided to stay here. I know this is where I belong…no matter what happens.

Love- Hermana Simonson

Entitlement

Well, I am sure there are thousands of missionaries around the world writing the same thing right now, but let me just say it was SO great to talk to you guys yesterday! This week has been…interesting to say the least! I was incredibly surprised during the transfer meeting to hear that I would be staying in the same area yet again, and that EVERYONE in my district was leaving. EVERYONE.

After all the problems that had happened, they decided to take everyone out other than me. That was a hard blow because it meant that I would be in charge of not just my area, but also of showing two other companion-ships around their areas. Plus, it meant I was going to be left alone by all of my awesome mission friends.

My area is really rough and small so it is hard not to get incredibly bored of talking to all of the same people day after day. Then, my Zone Leader looked at me with a smirk asking how many “daughters” I had, and announced that I would have one more. I’ll be honest, I wanted to cry. I think I might have a little bit. I just was not ready to have to train again, and be in charge of the district, and stay in the same area.

That night, I was helping Hermana Allphin and Hermana Hernandez pack their things (Elders were going to be moving into their area!) and I did something that I really should never, ever do. I saw them getting ready to go and have new areas and new people and new adventures and leave me here alone after EVERYTHING that has happened to us over the last few weeks and I said “Honestly, NOW I don’t think that it could get any worse.” Challenge Accepted.

A few minutes later, the phone rang and the assistants informed me that they would be bringing a bed into my house because I would not be training one, but two new missionaries. I almost lost it. Being in a trio is the typical idea of worst-thing-that-can-happen-to-you-in-the-mission-especially-if-you’re-senior-companion. It’s hard to work in a trio. You lose more money because everything costs more, usually two people in the trio get along better than the other and they start fighting and things like that.

I started feeling really sorry for myself. Anxiety. Same old area that just happens to be known for being one of the hardest in the mission. A traumatic week after being taken out of my area for safety reasons and then having to go back and work as if nothing happened. No companion for two weeks. No district leader. Everyone leaving. Being in charge of three areas plus all the hermanas. Training again. Training TWO at the same time.  Hermana Allphin, my best friend that has been with me for everything, going to Tarapoto. I was done.

After everything that had happened two weeks ago, I remember one night Hermana Allphin and I went out to work together and she looked at our shadows and said “Look at this. This makes me so happy to see us out working. We remain after everything that has happened, we are still out serving the Lord.”

Later that night, we watched a little video clip from the Emma Smith movie and we talked about how cool it was to watch another example of someone who just keeps forward no matter what happens. That was my goal, but when I saw them leaving, I lost sight of the goal and broke down into tears. They just kind of held me there and I said “After everything everything that has happened I have been okay, but for the first time in my whole mission I feel like I literally can’t do it.” I had to get myself together fast.

I took a breather and next thing I knew I was the happiest person in the New Missionary Meeting. I was laughing and talking just fine. I was given my two new companions and told them only positive things about the area. I was put in charge of giving a training/lecture/presentation/speech (I cant exactly remember the exact word for “capacitacion” in English!) in Multi-Zone Conference.

 There, I was also given a few Certificates for all of the Baptisms that I had with Hermana Ventura. I couldn’t believe the comments people gave to me. They all know that I am sick, they just have no idea about with what, and they kept talking about how Hermana Simonson, being sick and being a Leader, and training, and being in a hard area, and losing her companion, could still baptize and teach the zone and do everything.

I remembered a quote from the Emma Smith clip that I have become an addict to, that shows Emma kneeling down and crying and praying and they quote her saying “Everyone says that I am strong……I don’t feel strong.” That’s how I felt. Would people still talk that way if they knew WHAT I am sick with? If they knew that I have to take several pills just to be able to sleep at night? If they knew that, just after what they called my “awesome” presentation I had to slip into a different room with the Zone Leaders so that they could give me a blessing? Would they think I was so strong if they knew that it was just a few weeks ago that I almost got sent home?

I just didn’t feel strong. I just wanted to be the person that everyone seems to see. Well, you know what? I learned the secret to getting over my selfishness and feeling sorry for myself. Remember when we were Skyping and there were a bunch of people behind me talking to their daughter that is in a different mission? They taught me an amazing lesson yesterday. The dad got on Skype and talking for less than two minutes and said “It is so amazing to say hi to you for a minute. I love you so much. Wow! What a blessing to hear your voice.”

Then, he stepped aside so that other random members of the ward could talk to his daughter. There I was, frustrated because the Skype was blurry and I had to call to be able to hear and because I only was allowed forty minutes, and this humble man was ever grateful for his two minutes.

What was the difference between me and him? Last night, it hit me. ENTITLEMENT. Instead of feeling entitled to more time with his daughter, he was grateful for the time he did have. He didn’t feel like he deserved or was entitled to anything, so the little he had was a huge blessing. If we start thinking that we are entitled to certain things, we get frustrated and angry and jealous, we start to think that our lives are less than how they should be.

Who says that I was entitled to have a transfer? Who says that I should only have one companion? Who says that I deserve to not have to train? Why should I be entitled to have the same district there with me? Why am I entitled to better health instead of being grateful for the health I do have? Why should I DESERVE anything different than I already have?

This really was such an amazing realization as I learned that my life and mission will be more Spiritual and more blessed if I stop thinking about how things should be, and focus on the good of how things are?

Really, I am not ENTITLED to anything, but I have been BLESSED with a lot of things. I am so very grateful for the blessings that the Lord has given me and that I am here in His work.

I love it! I love my mission, trials included.

Love- Hermana Simonson

Who Says This Ship is Sinking Anyway?

There just aren’t even words to describe everything. It’s funny how, two weeks ago, I was sure that things couldn’t get any harder. Well…they did. On top of not having a companion, having a dying area, and my health going downhill, we faced some pretty serious problems this week.

For the last couple weeks, I had just been trying to pretend like everything was okay in our little district, but it really wasn't. I knew I needed to talk to the Zone Leaders but I was worried that I would cause trouble, and they would be mad because I took so long to tell them. Better to just let it blow over, right? Wrong.

After lunch on Wednesday, I felt a really, really big need to call them. It took a lot of courage, but I called them and said that I needed to talk to them. So, I met up with them at the church and I talked to them alone and told them everything that has been happening (we had had some big problems with our District Leader). They told me that they were going to have to talk to him and I got really scared because I knew that he would be mad but, long story short, I was kind of put into "hiding" for two days and then my District Leader got an emergency transfer and once he was gone, my Zone Leaders gave me permission to go back and work in my area.

One problem, I wasn't so sure that I wanted to go back and work in my area. I just remember thinking “What’s the point? Everywhere I go I just remember everything that has happened and I feel scared. I’m probably getting transferred in a few days anyway. I don’t have a companion, I don’t feel good, the area is already down the drain, the members don’t want to work with me, I have no one to teach, everyone in the ward just keeps asking where my District Leader went and I don’t want to talk about it, I’m not doing any good anyway! I am just going to avoid my area and in a few days someone new can come in and it can be THEIR problem!”

I was thinking that way as I followed Hermana Allphin and Hermana Hernandez through their area. We were working out on the river where we have to walk on these funny plank bridges. It always reminds me of Pirates of the Carribean, so my mind wandered there for a second (I know, what a horrible, unfocused missionary!) until I remembered on of my favorite lines from those movies. “A GOOD CAPTAIN ALWAYS GOES DOWN WITH HIS SHIP!”

I could not believe how much that thought applied to me. I started thinking back on the day that I first got to this area. I was tired and frustrated and could not believe that, yet again, I was going to open an area and start training. No Area Book, no map, no knowledge of the area, NOTHING. The ward only had 57 people going to church and missionaries had never been in this part of the ward. It was ridiculously hard but, after months of hard work, the area became very well known for the success that it was having.

Opening the Area Book (now that we have one!) is amazing because every page, every person taught and found, is Hermana Simonson and Hermana Hernandez, and then Hermana Simonson and Hermana Ventura, and then just Hermana Simonson. This area IS my ship. We have seen so many miracles here.

I asked Hermana Allphin if I could make a phone call, and I found members willing to work with me. I went back out to my area, willing to “thrust my sickle with all my might.” If my area was going to go downhill, I would at least be out there going down with it.

Sunday came, and I was able to bring three full families of Investigators to the church, and almost all of them committed to Baptism. The Anxiety Sister was there and happier than ever, people were glad to see me, and the Spirit was strong. The best part, and one of the most rewarding parts of my mission, was walking into the chapel. We have had a new schedule change (Peruvians do NOT do well with early) and I was half expecting the chapel to be empty. Well, it ALMOST was, except for three or four rows of amazing people that had gotten there even earlier than I did.

Want to know the best part? ALL of the people on those three rows, the only people that were there, were my converts. I didn't know whether to smile or cry. These people really have been converted, and I have been a part of that. How blessed am I?

I found so much peace during the meetings. If my area gets handed over to someone else, they will be lucky enough to come to an area with lots of progressing investigators and I can honestly say that I left my area better than I found it.

If I stay here, I will be able to keep working with these amazing people. And, no matter what happens with the transfers today, I know that I will at least have a companion…and District Leader…from here on out. Everything is just great.

Love you all!

Thanks for your prayers and support. This work is amazing!!!

~Hermana Simonson

Like Unto Job

April 28, 2014

Sometimes, I really just like to take things completely out of context and think of exactly what is happening. I never tire of reminding myself that I am living on some strange little island in the Amazon River.

There I was in a ghetto ambulance speeding through the island passing by Motokars. This little Mexican girl that I have come to love a lot was laying down and looked up at my pale face and shaking hands (the ambulance sent me straight into a Panic Attack, maybe I should have been the one laying down!) and a light clicked in her face. She looked like she was going to cry. "I am SO sorry!" she whispered. I asked what she meant and she said "I didn't mean to call you crazy."

It had been a long, hard five days. We had been in the hospital for almost a week and the Doctors could not find out what was wrong with my companion. The Doctor finally gave up and called it "anxiety." She instantly started protesting and claiming that she wasn't crazy and she was too strong to have anxiety.

When members and other missionaries came by to see her they all said the same thing. Every time someone asked what's wrong she just said that they think she is crazy. I just sat there quietly listening feeling myself being labeled as crazy and weak. Of course, no one had any idea that I have that problem, but the words still hurt.

My poor companion felt horrible for what she had said, but honestly I was fine. I just wanted her to get better. The doctors realized it wasn´t anxiety when she started having seizures and, long story short, my favorite companion boarded a plane Friday night, after one week in the Hospital, and was sent home to Mexico for better care.

 Hermana Allphin, the one that lives down the street from me, looked over at me in the airport and said, "Well Job, how is it going over there?" I got a good laugh out of it. She said I reminded her of Job because, over the space of three weeks, I literally lost everything.

 It started out with my health and then the anxiety got really bad. Shortly after that, my area started falling apart. We couldn't find anyone to teach, and the fact that, between my companion and I, we have been in the hospital for a total of 13 days in 3 weeks. Then, when my Zone leaders saw that my baptisms have gone down, they told me I can't just stop working my hardest just because I feel sorry for myself and are talking to President to tell him that I shouldn't be Sister Leader anymore because I can't handle it. The Zone leader said I should stop training, stop opening new areas, and step down from my spot on the Leadership Council and end my mission being Junior Companion to someone with less time than me. I really started feeling like everything was getting taken away from me.

Saturday night, the power went out and I just remember sitting in the dark, by myself, planning by candlelight for an area that is falling apart. I wanted to just be done. I was ready to just give up and go to bed, when a word came into my mind and pierced my heart. "Diligencia." I realized that, even with everything that has happened, I need to do my best to be a Diligent and Obedient missionary. There is a strong force (Satan) that really, really wants me to get discouraged and go home. So, I have my choices. I can give up and just pack my bags, I can stay in the mission and make excuses and not work as hard as I should, or I can just press forward and stay on it.

My new goal is to find out WHY Satan wants me to give up. I need to find the people that he doesn't want me to find. I need to help the people he is trying to keep me from helping. I need to marry and baptize the families he doesn't want me to marry and baptize and, more than anything, strive to become the person he doesn't want me to be. Right before my companion left, Elder Mejia and Elder Scott came over to give her a blessing, and no one wanted to leave or say goodbye, so we just kind of awkwardly sat there, avoiding the unavoidable.

Elder Mejia saw my journal, which I have sadly left untouched for about six months, and started reading it. I didn't care 1. Because it's in English and he wouldn't understand all of it, and 2. Because there are no great secrets, just a bunch of stories. Anyway, he read all of what I had written when I was new. Honestly, I don't even remember being this way, but every single day I had written something like "I am scared." "I just want to go home so bad." "I hate this place." "I will never learn Spanish." "The food makes me sick." "I just want to give up."

I couldn't help but think. What would have happened if I would have just gone home my first transfer when I really, really wanted to? Look at all of the people I have Baptized, who would have taught and found them? What would I be doing with my life if I weren't here? What would have happened to all these poor people I have helped??? Maybe someone else would have helped them eventually, but how sad it would be for me to have lost the amazing privilege of being there.

All of the sisters I have trained and the areas I have opened...what would have happened with all that? I am SO grateful that I stuck with it. Anyway, long story short, but in that candlelit moment I decided to not just stay, but to rise to a sense of new commitment and be the most diligent and obedient missionary that I can. And, can I just say that the Lord is already blessing me for my decision? Sunday morning, when I wanted to just sit and feel sorry for myself, I got up and started studying and the phone rang. The President´s Assistants called me and said that someone from my area had been going to their ward and they wanted me to visit them that same day. I was able to find a member to work with me (since I can't do it alone) and when we got to the house I knocked on the door and someone that I taught a long time ago opened the door, and quickly shut it in my face saying that the new person I was looking for wasn't there.

I was ready to give up, but remembered that I had her phone number, so I turned the corner and called the lady, Shirley, and she answered and said that she was in the house, so she sent her daughter out to meet us and let us inside (the lady that shut the door in my face was in a corner, pouting that we had found a way into the house) and we started teaching this single mother and her two teenage kids.

I noticed that Shirley was shaking a lot and couldn't look anyone in the eye. As I got to know her a bit, she admitted that she suffers from very serious anxiety. She explained that she was living in Lima and was being taught by the Elders, and then came to Iquitos and her anxiety got worse. One day, she was out walking (and having a very serious panic attack) and looked up and saw a church and felt peace and has been going there every Sunday for a month. I explained to her that there is a church a lot closer to her house and we got talking and, after a very Spiritual lesson, the whole family committed to baptism. It was amazing.

The lady almost cried as I talked about receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost and said that that could help her cope with her anxiety. It was...well...just amazing. Amazing. The Lord loves me and is taking care of me. I am so thankful for Him and the blessings that he gives me for trying to be diligent and obedient even when it is so hard. I love him and love His work and SO grateful to be a part of it.

So incredibly grateful.

Yet If Thou Wilt, I'll Drink it Up

Okay, let me just start off by saying one thing I AM OKAY. I promise.  Okay, just thought I would get that out there before I get into explaining my week. Well, it was a long one. A REALLY long one.  It started off Monday when I plunged into a horrible panic attack in the middle of a relaxing P-Day. I was just so done with everything that I had been feeling. I remember just praying for help that I could get some answers and get these things figured out. Luckily, that morning I had FINALLY written a very honest letter to my mission President explaining that I really was not okay. I was shaking all the time. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I had come to the point that I was feeling so dizzy and stressed that I would just randomly fall in the street at times. I was SO sick of feeling that way.

Tuesday night, the phone rang. I looked at the Caller ID and didn’t understand why the Zone Leaders were calling me so late, and they told me that Hermana Gomez needed to talk to me right away. I gave her a call and she explained that President had just read my letter and that they were very concerned. They asked me a lot of details of things that have been happening and I was finally honest and explained everything. They asked me to buy some weird fish oil syrup type thing to take for now while they looked into other things.  The Anxiety just kept getting worse and worse. I drank the syrupon Thursday morning and it just about killed me. The WORST thing I had EVER tasted in my life. I choked the cup down with the faith that maybe, just maybe it would help me start feeling better. My companion asked me how I felt and I quoted Jeffrey R. Holland “If the bitter cup won’t pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in better days to come.” We got a good laugh out of that.

Thursday dragged on and I was so anxious that I, yet again, just about passed out. I was laying on my bed and my companion started saying that she was going to call the Zone Leaders. I forbid her to do it. Well, it didn’t matter, because, sure enough, just a few minutes later they called us.

“Hermana Simonson! We have good news! You’re not going to have language study today. Instead, you are going to go to the corner of Quiñones and Guardía Civil, and in that corner you are going to see a car. And you are going to get in that car. That car will be driven by President and Hermana Gomez….and they are going to take you to the hospital.”

I freaked out. I wanted to refuse to go, but I knew that I couldn’t. We got there, and it turned out that it was just President, with a very concerned look on his face.  He took me to the Hospital and when the Doctor attended us he asked me why I was here. I responded “Because they made me come.” He got a good laugh. I don’t think President thought it was as funny as I did. He started explained that they “obligated” me to be there because I was fainting in the street, shaking all the time, incredibly stressed out, not sleeping, not eating, etc. They wanted to see if it was Anxiety for sure, or maybe just some Parasite.

He ran a few tests for physical things and there was no problem. Then, he did a few Anxiety tests and looked at my President and said “Ya..she definitely has a problem. There is a reason she can’t sleep.” He told President that I need a Psychiatrist and President whipped out his IPhone trying to find the best one and get an appointment for as soon as possible.

The next day, my companion and I went to the Psychiatrist and we talked a little bit and figured a few things out. I was diagnosed not only with Anxiety, but also with Major Depressive Disorder. I almost didn’t believe it. I was really upset, I felt like everything was spinning. We went to go buy the pills and they informed us that our insurance wasn’t going to cover it, so we had to call the Zone Leaders to call the Insurance. 

Side story, the Zone Leaders hadn’t known anything about any of this until President had called them and they were pretty hurt that I had never told them. Anyway, as I talked to them and explained them what was going on, and then explained the Diagnosis Elder Avila, one of my best friends in the Mission, just cut me off and said “Hermana, just tell me one thing, How are YOU?” I answered “Fine” and he asked for details and I ended up doing what I had avoided doing for the longest time. I burst into tears. He listened intently and said “Don’t worry about the Insurance thing for now, we are going to get that taken care of. Just know something, okay? You are my hero. I admire you so much. I know that everything sucks right now but just know that this all means that you can start getting better at last. So many people would have quit and you kept going for SO long. While training, opening areas, being a leader, and facing these big problems, you’ve also been setting Baptism records and helping a lot of people. Just know that you’re amazing.”

So there I was, crying like a baby in the middle of a Hospital in the middle of the Amazon Jungle. Who would have EVER thought that my life would have come to this? My companion walked me outside and smiled and said “Well, I can cross that off my list.” I asked what she was talking about and she said “I never, ever thought that I would see you cry. I’ve lived with you for the longest time and have never seen anything less than a smile. I certainly don’t believe that you’re depressed!” We sat outside laughing and crying together and turned around to see President Gomez showing up. The Zone Leaders had called him and he wanted to see if I was okay, and talk to the Insurance people. The pills were bought and President explained that he was in the middle of some interviews and had to get back. I felt so special that he had left the interviews just to see if I was okay.

My companion forced the pills down my throat, but here comes the funny story. They were REALLY strong, instant pills and I started feeling a little TOO good. Long story short, I had been overdosed by the Peruvian Doctor. I spent the whole Saturday Conference laughing and sleeping and falling and fainting and saying crazy things. After the afternoon session, we were sitting outside of the Church and President and Hermana Gomez came over and saw me and said “There’s the drunk missionary!” and everyone laughed. “I am not stressed anymore!” I yelled and laughed. Oh, it was just hilarious.

It’s been hard, but you wouldn’t believe the support I have. Obviously it’s not something that I am telling everyone, but my District Leader and Zone Leaders and companion and Mission President (the people that I am forced to tell) make a great team to keep me going. One of the suggestions that the doctor gave was to get more exercise. My new District Leader, Elder Mejia, promised we wouldn’t be alone in that. Now, he and his companion have also committed to waking up half an hour early everyday just to go run with us. Such a sweet gesture.

After everything, I don’t take back what I have always said. Happiness IS a choice. Sometimes it is a choice to just think positive and take some vitamins. Sometimes it is a choice to move on with life. Sometimes, it is a choice to take the pill, be honest, ask for blessings, trust in God, and move forward. I don’t care if some Peruvian Doctor has declared me as depressed, I am just going to keep being happy. And, wanna know the best part? I still have five more months to wake up everyday and preach the Gospel of Happiness to these amazing people. I will honestly say that my life could not get any better.

Love- 

Hermana Simonson

Miracles!

March 31, 2014

It was a week of miracles! Actually, this last month has been a whole process of miracles as we worked with the family that got Baptized on Saturday. We rarely get references from our ward, but a while back the Young Men´s President informed us that he went looking for some inactive young men, and showed up at the wrong house. He apologized for bugging them and said “Well, maybe I am here for a reason. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I want to invite you to my church.” The wife of the family was in church the following Sunday. 

We started visiting them and she accepted Baptism in the first lesson, but her husband (that is not technically her husband because they are not married but they all just say husband and wife anyway) was really hard hearted and would not accept marriage or Baptism and said that he wouldn’t change his life just because two little girls were visiting them. In one lesson, the wife, Aided, just burst into tears and said “Hermana, I FEEL it. I feel it and he doesn’t. He doesn’t feel anything.” It broke my heart. We couldn’t do anything for her if the husband wouldn’t budge.

One day, we showed up at the house and he said “Hermanas, I did what you said. I prayed. I know it’s true. You can Baptize me.” It was amazing. So amazing.  But, we did not realize how hard it was going to be. He didn’t have an ID Card, which makes getting the marriage papers EXTREMELY difficult. And, he doesn’t have ANY money, so paying for their marriage rights was going to be really hard.

 A few weeks ago, when we tried to talk to the Ward Council for help, they told us they were too busy to help us. I wanted to die. Elder Muñoz looked at me and started speaking in English “APRIL Five, just you Baptize them on April five. Don’t push it for this month just to meet you goal.” As we left the church he looked at me and said “Why are you so sure about this day, it will be impossible.” I got a little frustrated and promised him that the date we had chosen had NOTHING to do with meeting a goal and that we wanted to move the date back but the Spirit was really strong telling us that they needed to be Baptized on this day. “I NEVER set dates just for the numbers” I promised him, and he decided to believe me.

The Zone Leaders got really excited and started saying that if we pull it off we will be setting a record for baptisms. I tried to tell them we don’t care about the record and we don’t want to hear more about it. Then, they got suspicious and thought that they didn’t believe that we could be Baptizing so many people and thought the people weren’t actually dedicated. So, they set up a test. 

They told the family that they needed to be at the Chapel that was furtherest away from there house at a certain time to sign papers. This sweet little family with absolutely nothing got permission to leave the job they just got, borrow money to pay for the Motokar, and showed up at the Church, completely by themselves. Was I super mad when I found out about the “test”? Yes. Extremely. But, they passed. And the Zone Leaders just looked at us at said “Okay, we believe you. We get it. You can Baptize them.”

In their Baptismal Interview, the wife cried and told the Zone Leaders that when she wanted to know if this was what she was supposed to do, she dreamed that she was standing by a river, and that I came up to her in a canoe and stepped out and was sparkling with light and a voice told her that this was the angel God had sent her….just a funny side note. These people and their dreams.

It was SO hard to get things done. We put together an activity to raise the money and the day of the activity, the skies were completely black. Peruvians DO NOT leave their houses when there is rain. I was ready to break. We sat in the plaza waiting and I just lost it and looked up and the skies and broke into English. “Why???” I shouted. “Why today why now???” I remember just staring at the sky and trying to command the clouds to move (worth a shot). 

I just remembered Aided’s crying face when she thought they weren’t going to be able to get married and I thought of all of my love for her and for the family and I was completely broken down. I kid you not, in that moment, sun started to shine on the Plaza, it got brighter and brighter within a matter of minutes and it NEVER rained. 

The Spirit spoke so firmly “I TOLD you that this family was to be Baptized this week. Why couldn’t you just trust me? I did the miracle with the husband’s heart. I did the miracle with the ID Card. I did the miracle with the papers. I did the miracle with the “test”. Why couldn’t you trust me for one miracle more?”

We needed to get 120 soles for the wedding, wanna know how many we got? 121. No joke. When we showed up to the activity, we came down the hill and saw a whole group of white shirts sitting there. I wanted to cry. The WHOLE zone came (other than they zone leaders.). Their love and support was amazing. 

Then, on Saturday, Aided and Angel were Married and Baptized, and yesterday they were confirmed members of the Church of Jesus Christ. I couldn’t believe it. When the Lord tells us we need to do something and when we need to do it, it seems impossible. But He will always help us. He will touch the hearts, find the papers, and even stop the rain.

I love this Gospel. I love my Heavenly Father. I love serving His children in this amazing place that, for me, is sacred ground.

Hermana Simonson