Entitlement

Well, I am sure there are thousands of missionaries around the world writing the same thing right now, but let me just say it was SO great to talk to you guys yesterday! This week has been…interesting to say the least! I was incredibly surprised during the transfer meeting to hear that I would be staying in the same area yet again, and that EVERYONE in my district was leaving. EVERYONE.

After all the problems that had happened, they decided to take everyone out other than me. That was a hard blow because it meant that I would be in charge of not just my area, but also of showing two other companion-ships around their areas. Plus, it meant I was going to be left alone by all of my awesome mission friends.

My area is really rough and small so it is hard not to get incredibly bored of talking to all of the same people day after day. Then, my Zone Leader looked at me with a smirk asking how many “daughters” I had, and announced that I would have one more. I’ll be honest, I wanted to cry. I think I might have a little bit. I just was not ready to have to train again, and be in charge of the district, and stay in the same area.

That night, I was helping Hermana Allphin and Hermana Hernandez pack their things (Elders were going to be moving into their area!) and I did something that I really should never, ever do. I saw them getting ready to go and have new areas and new people and new adventures and leave me here alone after EVERYTHING that has happened to us over the last few weeks and I said “Honestly, NOW I don’t think that it could get any worse.” Challenge Accepted.

A few minutes later, the phone rang and the assistants informed me that they would be bringing a bed into my house because I would not be training one, but two new missionaries. I almost lost it. Being in a trio is the typical idea of worst-thing-that-can-happen-to-you-in-the-mission-especially-if-you’re-senior-companion. It’s hard to work in a trio. You lose more money because everything costs more, usually two people in the trio get along better than the other and they start fighting and things like that.

I started feeling really sorry for myself. Anxiety. Same old area that just happens to be known for being one of the hardest in the mission. A traumatic week after being taken out of my area for safety reasons and then having to go back and work as if nothing happened. No companion for two weeks. No district leader. Everyone leaving. Being in charge of three areas plus all the hermanas. Training again. Training TWO at the same time.  Hermana Allphin, my best friend that has been with me for everything, going to Tarapoto. I was done.

After everything that had happened two weeks ago, I remember one night Hermana Allphin and I went out to work together and she looked at our shadows and said “Look at this. This makes me so happy to see us out working. We remain after everything that has happened, we are still out serving the Lord.”

Later that night, we watched a little video clip from the Emma Smith movie and we talked about how cool it was to watch another example of someone who just keeps forward no matter what happens. That was my goal, but when I saw them leaving, I lost sight of the goal and broke down into tears. They just kind of held me there and I said “After everything everything that has happened I have been okay, but for the first time in my whole mission I feel like I literally can’t do it.” I had to get myself together fast.

I took a breather and next thing I knew I was the happiest person in the New Missionary Meeting. I was laughing and talking just fine. I was given my two new companions and told them only positive things about the area. I was put in charge of giving a training/lecture/presentation/speech (I cant exactly remember the exact word for “capacitacion” in English!) in Multi-Zone Conference.

 There, I was also given a few Certificates for all of the Baptisms that I had with Hermana Ventura. I couldn’t believe the comments people gave to me. They all know that I am sick, they just have no idea about with what, and they kept talking about how Hermana Simonson, being sick and being a Leader, and training, and being in a hard area, and losing her companion, could still baptize and teach the zone and do everything.

I remembered a quote from the Emma Smith clip that I have become an addict to, that shows Emma kneeling down and crying and praying and they quote her saying “Everyone says that I am strong……I don’t feel strong.” That’s how I felt. Would people still talk that way if they knew WHAT I am sick with? If they knew that I have to take several pills just to be able to sleep at night? If they knew that, just after what they called my “awesome” presentation I had to slip into a different room with the Zone Leaders so that they could give me a blessing? Would they think I was so strong if they knew that it was just a few weeks ago that I almost got sent home?

I just didn’t feel strong. I just wanted to be the person that everyone seems to see. Well, you know what? I learned the secret to getting over my selfishness and feeling sorry for myself. Remember when we were Skyping and there were a bunch of people behind me talking to their daughter that is in a different mission? They taught me an amazing lesson yesterday. The dad got on Skype and talking for less than two minutes and said “It is so amazing to say hi to you for a minute. I love you so much. Wow! What a blessing to hear your voice.”

Then, he stepped aside so that other random members of the ward could talk to his daughter. There I was, frustrated because the Skype was blurry and I had to call to be able to hear and because I only was allowed forty minutes, and this humble man was ever grateful for his two minutes.

What was the difference between me and him? Last night, it hit me. ENTITLEMENT. Instead of feeling entitled to more time with his daughter, he was grateful for the time he did have. He didn’t feel like he deserved or was entitled to anything, so the little he had was a huge blessing. If we start thinking that we are entitled to certain things, we get frustrated and angry and jealous, we start to think that our lives are less than how they should be.

Who says that I was entitled to have a transfer? Who says that I should only have one companion? Who says that I deserve to not have to train? Why should I be entitled to have the same district there with me? Why am I entitled to better health instead of being grateful for the health I do have? Why should I DESERVE anything different than I already have?

This really was such an amazing realization as I learned that my life and mission will be more Spiritual and more blessed if I stop thinking about how things should be, and focus on the good of how things are?

Really, I am not ENTITLED to anything, but I have been BLESSED with a lot of things. I am so very grateful for the blessings that the Lord has given me and that I am here in His work.

I love it! I love my mission, trials included.

Love- Hermana Simonson